2012, 2013

1.

What have I done in 2012? Essentially nothing but work. I made myself a better form teacher, met the cutest and best mannered P2 class so far in my teaching career, went over the obstacles and difficulties in ICT Club, volunteered myself to help my colleagues, pushed my Foundation Chinese pupils to G1 and G2, and by some luck made 10 out of 11 of my P4 pupils improve. Sounds great. But if that’s almost everything in my life, it does not sound great at all.

I wish I can teach better in 2013, make all my pupils improve, and make no mistakes. I wish I can also save enough money so that I can pursue my fulltime master and PhD studies either in 2014 or 2015.

2.

I have been a loner for another year. I watched majority of movies alone, went to restaurants alone, went around Singapore alone, walked and cycled alone, visited museums alone, shopped alone, played games alone, and I did not feel awkward. I think it is just in my genes. Or maybe it is so achieved by staying single for 9 years.

That 9 years might be extended into 10 years.

My parents have been pressing this issue for 3 or 4 years, but I really lacked the motivation.

Should I find a girlfriend and get married so as to please my parents, since I failed in convincing them otherwise?

Maybe I need to meet someone special, who can revive my ability to love and to be loved, who can convince me that marriage is nothing for me to fear, and who can accept me as who I am, regardless of all my shortcomings and weird habits.

Maybe that should be one of my 2013 resolutions?

3.

I did not make much progress in losing my weight. I have been more active, and more conscious in eating, than the previous year. But still I look like an inflated balloon. My blood pressure remains high.

So this same resolution shall be stated here again: lose at least 5kg in 2013. Eat even less. Continue cycling and walking. Go to gym. Do a basic checkup every 3 months. And hopefully I can achieve more than that.

4.

A ‘New Year’s Day’ is nothing but an arbitrary day in a calendar.

A year is determined by a revolution of the Earth around the Sun. Equinoxes and solstices are specific points on this revolution. Birthdays and anniversaries occur at the (almost) same point on each revolution. But the starting point of a year is purely arbitrary.

On this random and ordinary day, why should everything be so special?

That is why I do not really celebrate any festival.

Negative Emotions

I am experiencing a high volume of negative emotions now. I am angry, upset, overwhelmed, impulsive, regretting, disappointed and depressed. My usual tricks of deep breathing and self-distracting do not work. No music, movies or books can console me like how they did in the past. Only my conversation with ST calmed me for some hours.

The Chinese netizens are trying to pass around the so-called ‘positive energy’ (正能量) to counter the ‘negative energy’ (负能量) in the society, like apathy and coldheartedness, and in the individual mind, like procrastination and pessimism. I think I need that positive energy too.

I hope I can have a genuine smile on my face when I reach my China home in 18 hours, and can have a quiet hermitic fortnight while I seek my inner peace.

Suicide

Right after I wrote that bloody autistic post, I realised one of my Facebook friends committed suicide on 25 November. Such a shock.

He was born in 1994, 12 years younger than I. He was among the few younger PRC scholars whose tweets I followed, but I unfollowed him some months back because he kind of spammed my timeline with chatting tweets with others. He stayed in my Facebook contacts though.

On 20 March 2011 we met up. He bought my used HP netbook. That was the only time I saw him physically in person.

We did chat on Twitter, with all kinds of sarcastic jokes. I did not treat him as my junior but a cyber friend, because he was mature and capable. He was a tenor singer in the school choir, and he studied arts. He knew Japanese well and was interested in many languages. He scored A1 for both English and Higher Chinese in O-level.

From his tweets and statuses I could not understand why he killed himself. He always showed care and tenderness to friends, and he did not mention anything that upset him.

According to some of his friends, he wrote something on renren.com, which I did not use. These friends mentioned he was in a dilemma because his parents wanted him to become someone he did not like to be, while his teacher encouraged him to find his own path.

Some said he killed himself because he was a gay. Some said he was too stressed. But I think there must be some other subtle reasons, reasons so subtle that he chose to leave this world so quietly, that the first person who discovered his body was a patrolling security guard of his hostel, that he did not leave any message or will.

He called his friends but did not mention anything. His statuses showed he was still planning his trip in this December. Maybe only his friends on renren.com would have foreseen this, but sadly no one was able to stop him.

Listening to his recorded singing, I thought I was dreaming… If I woke up I might see his new status on Facebook again? But I knew it was real.

And I started to thank my 20-year-old self. 10 years ago I did have some impulsive ideas of killing myself. Maybe I was such a coward that I did not put them into practice. I could still recall the desperation and hopelessness back then. Even now I see my life empty and my world a void; but thanks to my strong heart and soul I could still find bliss occasionally in life.

Wish my young friend rest in peace.

[I did not mention any name in this post, and please do not link it to him if you know him… Let him be in peace. Thanks.]

Mood Swing of An Autistic Guy

‘All of life is an act of letting go, but what hurts the most is not taking a moment to say goodbye,’ said Pi Patel.

It seems I let people and things go easily. Many times. Countless incidents.

I was at my peak of pessimism in 2002, and although I did recover in the following few years, the thought that nothing lasts interferes my decision.

‘If you let it go, you will lose it…’

‘So what?’

This dialogue has kept replaying.

I hold friendship dear. But out of fear that close friendship would turn ugly, I am too reserved to be enthusiastic enough for some of friends to see me as a good friend. And out of the same fear, I keep distance immediately when I feel too close with a friend.

I often see myself slightly autistic (or maybe not as slightly as I think). I do not know how to act in any social events or conversation. I know I can’t say certain things but I can’t find any substitution either; as a result I say nothing, or avoid such events or conversation completely.

Of course I can also be loud, happy and lively in a conversation when I am in the mood. But that is infrequent.

I think it is some kind of disease, which only I myself can cure. The problem is I do not have the courage to do it. I am still carrying the burden of that pessimism. I still can’t stand the thought of ‘what if such a close friend disappear in my life the next minute’.

Not just friends. Things too, like my online writing history in this post. I delete photos and messages without much thought. They are of no values to other people, and they will diminish one day. It is just a matter of time.

It will be a time when everything ends. It is just so painful. Maybe that is why so many people hold a certain religious belief. I am an anti-theist; and the only religion I like is the atheistic Buddhism, which teaches me the whole world is an illusion of senses and nothing but the cycle of karma lasts. Yet I do not consider myself a Buddhist, simply because I am science trained and I can’t stand the idealism (as compared with materialism).

Sometimes, like now, I hate myself for being so rational. Even a blog post like this, supposedly expressing my emotion and mood swing these few days, has become an emotionless description and a rational discussion.

So I shall come back to the point…

No I have no point here at all.

I let it go again…