‘All of life is an act of letting go, but what hurts the most is not taking a moment to say goodbye,’ said Pi Patel.
It seems I let people and things go easily. Many times. Countless incidents.
I was at my peak of pessimism in 2002, and although I did recover in the following few years, the thought that nothing lasts interferes my decision.
‘If you let it go, you will lose it…’
This dialogue has kept replaying.
I hold friendship dear. But out of fear that close friendship would turn ugly, I am too reserved to be enthusiastic enough for some of friends to see me as a good friend. And out of the same fear, I keep distance immediately when I feel too close with a friend.
I often see myself slightly autistic (or maybe not as slightly as I think). I do not know how to act in any social events or conversation. I know I can’t say certain things but I can’t find any substitution either; as a result I say nothing, or avoid such events or conversation completely.
Of course I can also be loud, happy and lively in a conversation when I am in the mood. But that is infrequent.
I think it is some kind of disease, which only I myself can cure. The problem is I do not have the courage to do it. I am still carrying the burden of that pessimism. I still can’t stand the thought of ‘what if such a close friend disappear in my life the next minute’.
Not just friends. Things too, like my online writing history in this post. I delete photos and messages without much thought. They are of no values to other people, and they will diminish one day. It is just a matter of time.
It will be a time when everything ends. It is just so painful. Maybe that is why so many people hold a certain religious belief. I am an anti-theist; and the only religion I like is the atheistic Buddhism, which teaches me the whole world is an illusion of senses and nothing but the cycle of karma lasts. Yet I do not consider myself a Buddhist, simply because I am science trained and I can’t stand the idealism (as compared with materialism).
Sometimes, like now, I hate myself for being so rational. Even a blog post like this, supposedly expressing my emotion and mood swing these few days, has become an emotionless description and a rational discussion.
So I shall come back to the point…
No I have no point here at all.
I let it go again…