Mood Swing of An Autistic Guy

‘All of life is an act of letting go, but what hurts the most is not taking a moment to say goodbye,’ said Pi Patel.

It seems I let people and things go easily. Many times. Countless incidents.

I was at my peak of pessimism in 2002, and although I did recover in the following few years, the thought that nothing lasts interferes my decision.

‘If you let it go, you will lose it…’

‘So what?’

This dialogue has kept replaying.

I hold friendship dear. But out of fear that close friendship would turn ugly, I am too reserved to be enthusiastic enough for some of friends to see me as a good friend. And out of the same fear, I keep distance immediately when I feel too close with a friend.

I often see myself slightly autistic (or maybe not as slightly as I think). I do not know how to act in any social events or conversation. I know I can’t say certain things but I can’t find any substitution either; as a result I say nothing, or avoid such events or conversation completely.

Of course I can also be loud, happy and lively in a conversation when I am in the mood. But that is infrequent.

I think it is some kind of disease, which only I myself can cure. The problem is I do not have the courage to do it. I am still carrying the burden of that pessimism. I still can’t stand the thought of ‘what if such a close friend disappear in my life the next minute’.

Not just friends. Things too, like my online writing history in this post. I delete photos and messages without much thought. They are of no values to other people, and they will diminish one day. It is just a matter of time.

It will be a time when everything ends. It is just so painful. Maybe that is why so many people hold a certain religious belief. I am an anti-theist; and the only religion I like is the atheistic Buddhism, which teaches me the whole world is an illusion of senses and nothing but the cycle of karma lasts. Yet I do not consider myself a Buddhist, simply because I am science trained and I can’t stand the idealism (as compared with materialism).

Sometimes, like now, I hate myself for being so rational. Even a blog post like this, supposedly expressing my emotion and mood swing these few days, has become an emotionless description and a rational discussion.

So I shall come back to the point…

No I have no point here at all.

I let it go again…

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