Right after I wrote that bloody autistic post, I realised one of my Facebook friends committed suicide on 25 November. Such a shock.
He was born in 1994, 12 years younger than I. He was among the few younger PRC scholars whose tweets I followed, but I unfollowed him some months back because he kind of spammed my timeline with chatting tweets with others. He stayed in my Facebook contacts though.
On 20 March 2011 we met up. He bought my used HP netbook. That was the only time I saw him physically in person.
We did chat on Twitter, with all kinds of sarcastic jokes. I did not treat him as my junior but a cyber friend, because he was mature and capable. He was a tenor singer in the school choir, and he studied arts. He knew Japanese well and was interested in many languages. He scored A1 for both English and Higher Chinese in O-level.
From his tweets and statuses I could not understand why he killed himself. He always showed care and tenderness to friends, and he did not mention anything that upset him.
According to some of his friends, he wrote something on renren.com, which I did not use. These friends mentioned he was in a dilemma because his parents wanted him to become someone he did not like to be, while his teacher encouraged him to find his own path.
Some said he killed himself because he was a gay. Some said he was too stressed. But I think there must be some other subtle reasons, reasons so subtle that he chose to leave this world so quietly, that the first person who discovered his body was a patrolling security guard of his hostel, that he did not leave any message or will.
He called his friends but did not mention anything. His statuses showed he was still planning his trip in this December. Maybe only his friends on renren.com would have foreseen this, but sadly no one was able to stop him.
Listening to his recorded singing, I thought I was dreaming… If I woke up I might see his new status on Facebook again? But I knew it was real.
And I started to thank my 20-year-old self. 10 years ago I did have some impulsive ideas of killing myself. Maybe I was such a coward that I did not put them into practice. I could still recall the desperation and hopelessness back then. Even now I see my life empty and my world a void; but thanks to my strong heart and soul I could still find bliss occasionally in life.
Wish my young friend rest in peace.
[I did not mention any name in this post, and please do not link it to him if you know him… Let him be in peace. Thanks.]