Numbness and/or Inner Peace

Something really bad happened to me last week. Ridiculous and baseless accusations and defamations just showered on me. But my emotion was under control. I was enraged at that moment, but rather briefly. I only showed my anger by slightly faster breathing, and nothing else. I sat straight, kept cool, and made firm eye contact with that person. I told myself, I was much better, in terms of manner, logics and anger management, than the person sitting opposite me across the table.

Very soon after this episode, my emotion was back to normal. When my colleagues came to console me, I genuinely told them I was alright. I still enjoyed myself in my reading, my work, my conversations with friends and pupils, and my food. Really. I did not hold a grudge against anyone, any more. I found myself especially positive on that day.

Some may say I was numb, while others may say I found my inner peace. To me, the words ‘numbness’ and ‘inner peace’ are equivalent. To be peaceful in this imperfect world, you need to be numb in some situations. The only questionable part is not whether it is numbness or inner peace, but in what situations one should be in such a state.

The mentally strong ones can decide what to be numb to, and what not to. I am not strong enough because my mood still swings occasionally without any particular reason. I do want to be strong. I wish I could have steady breathing in the situation mentioned in the first paragraph.

An introvert thinker I truly am.

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